Fallin Apart...

Lately I feel like I'm starting to fall apart. My health is starting to worry me yet I havent' went to the Dr ...I will soon.   It started a few weeks ago with feeling very tired and overwhelmed...which just seemed normal to me.  I'm always busy doing something around the house and I am known to be a night owl.   I've been super stressed out thou for the past month  or two.  We have been having issues with both vehicles.  The car needs a new motor and the new jeep even had some minor problems.   Also I've been worried about our roof.  All summer long we were supposed to have contractors come fix the roof but they keep putting us off and changing the date.  The colder it gets and closer to winter , the more I worry.  I don't want snow to fly and not have our roof fixed.  Its bad enough that every time it rains , the damn roof leaks.  I just want it fixed soon.

So back to my health...the past few days I've noticed my breathing is   funny, like feels like i lose my breath easy or it catches . When that happens, my chest feels tight too for a few minutes and i feel really wore out . As if I was out jogging.   So I had lunch with my mom yesterday and was telling her how I have been feeling.   She tells me it sounds Like I could have the same problem she had.   Mom's heart was skipping a beat and she had to take this  vitamin  to correct  it ( CO Q10) .  My mom checked my pulse rate and told me my heart was skipping a beat as well.   So of course she went out and bought me some co Q10 (72 day supply) and tells me to take this , see how I feel.  I said " ok doc mom I will see and maybe still make a dr appt."     I've inherited every other aliment she's ever had so why not this too. go figure. Oh and mom says I should have a mamogram done , its never too early she says. I'm not sure I want one. I'm scared of what I might find out.  My luck is bad enough!

Oh  and one final complaint.  I got a rash on both of my legs just above my knees and its driving me crazy.  Itches so unbelievably bad and burns . I've tried lotion, vaseline and Cortizone cream. It always comes back and starts bothering me so freaking bad.  OMG i tried to shower, It burned like crazy!!!  So yet another thing i'll tell the dr about.  Ahhhh well i'm off to bed...exhausted , itching and annoyed now.

Traveling down a road that  I'm much to familiar with because sometimes staying on the beaten path is easier that finding a new one. 
Its a habit I should learn to break... 
A portrait that only existed in my mind; never to be seen by another admiring eye...
A mountain that was never worth the climb; I'm a afraid of heights anyway...
A prison cell I've always known; feels like home...
Its a garden that's overflowing with weeds; shown a little love it might have grown...
Its the moment you realize you have nothing left to give; hopelessness has moved in...
"Its the elephant in the room and we pretend we don't see it" (Kris Allen, the truth)...
Its the tunnel with no light at the end; shattered by the passing train...
Its the last tear drop rolling down your cheek ; as pain turns to numbness...
Its a fear of flying when only two shoots remain; damn shame there was 5 passengers on the plane...
Its standing in the middle of a lighting storm; begging, strike me down please..

So it's been forever since I've wrote anything ...atleast anything noteworthy.  Perhaps I've lost my creative edge or misplaced it along the way.   If you find it, by all means ship back to me , US Air Mail ....if you please.

Just seems I've lost all motivation these days and I'm so lacking in the idea department.   My heart is happy, my body is just drained and my mind has been paralyzed temporarily.

Some people can cry at the drop of a hat, I used to be able to write like that.  Now I just don't know where my mojo is at.   In all my life I've never broken a bone until now  but I do believe I've gone and broken my creative bone.   Sure hope it mends soon , I do miss it so .

Betrayal

As the lies spewed from your mouth faster than thoughts could fill your head ...at most but surely not least, I'm sure you did your mama proud.

Afterall I'm just another face in the crowd,  doesn't matter how much  you've hurt me now. 

Don't expect me to look at you with loving eyes the way I once did..back when I still believed in you and adored you. 

I  should've realized her blood was always in you and it was just a matter time before your own fangs began to grow.  

A voice inside my head always told me to trust in you...that little voice is dead now along with all the aspirations I had for you.  

You didn't bring me down thou.. just merely grazed the surface..and made me see you for what you truly are.

orginally wrote 4/19/10

Starting to believe I'm just not meant to be....

Learning to accept that I just don't deserve to be...

Quite certain it doesn't even really matter if I am ...

Positively no reason to be...

Whats the point in even trying to be...

There's nothing more wasteful than thriving to be...

There must be a logical explaination as to why I can never be...

Daily I look around me and see tons of people that are ...
So why can't I be...

- - - - - comes before so many holidays and special occasions.
It's such a sad reality , that I'll never be.....


The missing word remains the same in all these lines.

It echos thur my mind over and over each day that passes by.

Its no special game, just what life has become for me.

So without wasting anymore time , or spinning anymore rythmes, I'll tell you the word...in case you haven't already guessed it.........HAPPY.

One last part to this sad little game...go back and re-read each line adding the missing word....and maybe then you'll understand my pain.

Just once I'd like to have my own damn time! Doing completely what I want all damn day! Even if that meant being lazy all damn day and watching tv! Perhaps out to shop and for a nice long walk! NO one to bother me , no one to ask me for help, no cooking cleaning.. just me myself and I all damn day!!!!!

Lost my Car..

I went to walmart this week all by myself. I was not excited to be going alone and kid-free. No not me. While I was there enjoying my shopping trip, I was not stressed out and I most certainly did not lose my car. Not way not me. There's no way I would have ask the buggy boy to help me put kitty litter in my trunk after he helped me find my car. No way I have way too much pride for that. I was not embarassed either.. no way not me.

Lets not forget the week before..trip to walmart as well. While out in the parking lot walking to my car, I did not almost get run over by a truck. NO way not me. As I passed behind this truck, It did not start and start to back up. I did not have to run to get out of the way. No way, I was not in that much danger. I did not scream at the driver "Jesus Dude!" no way I'm much to classy for that. When I got home and told hubby he did not downplay the whole experience. No way he was so comforting.

So what have you not been up to this week.