My daughter is amazing!

My daughter and I went to the mountains today to visit with my parents (her grandparents) and family.   We both love it there , its so peaceful and relaxing.  Its beautiful this time of year with all the fall leaves changing and falling.   Today was not completely peaceful or relaxing thou.   Behind my parents house sits an old camper that my niece and daughter have turned into a play place.   For the past 3 weeks they have been spending hours playing in that old camper but today my daughter did NOT  want to play inside it.   Of course my niece wanted to because she thinks its the coolest place ever!! So she was upset and disappointed when her cousin told her she didn't want to play inside the camper today.  I can't make my daughter go play there .. I tried but she's just as stubborn as I am and flat out refused.   I kept trying to make suggestions and get them to compromise and play something else but both girls were being stubborn and unwilling to compromise.   The whole time we were visiting they wouldn't play together.  It was giving me a headache.  so naturally I finally said " we are going home" and that was the end of it.    I really was not ready to leave but a person can only take so much of bickering kids. Right?

On the way home we listened to music , taking turns like we always do... She gets to listen to two songs and I get to listen to two.   Although she will listen to commercials if she doesnt' find a song and fifteen minutes later still declare it to be her turn because no song that she "Liked" has played yet.   Yes it drives me insane.    We were almost home and she starts about the camper. " I dont' know why she wants to play in that dumb camper all the time . Its boring! its cold! "   I tried telling her that maybe she could have gone in for just a bit. But omg that was like telling her she had to get a tooth pulled. Just not happening.

Later in the evening after bath time , I went in to her room to make her bed.   I found her diary on her bed and peeked in it.  yes I know bad mom but she's only 9 what could she be writing about.   Most of it I couldnt' read her hand writing so couldn't tell you what that was about .   But I did find one page that was neatly written that said " My lif is wrong"  (yes she forgot the e in life)   I was so sad by that short little line.  At first I thought this had been written by her older sister. The writing was too neat and I didnt' think my daughter knew how to spell 'wrong' .  So I asked her " How do you spell the word wrong?"  and she was quick to respond " W-R-O-N-G"  and then even quicker to ask me why I wanted to know.  Right away she came into her room and saw the diary on her bed and asked me if I had read it .  I'm not good at lying to her so I admitted I had and asked her about that one statement " my lif is wrong"  . Then I learned why she feels her life is wrong.  First came the camper experience ....' you shouldn't make me play in the camper I don't like it in there' Next was school....she began crying and telling me how she doesn't like her school Or have many friends.  explaining to me how she used to get picked on but doesnt' now but she doesn't get picked for things in gym class til last or close to it.   All I could think of was to tell her Awesome and great her dad and I think she is and how much we love her.  I told her those kids that didnt' pick her for things  didnt' know how great she is and they were missing out .   I think its terrible that kids should have to feel bad about going to school and how other children act toward them.   When I hear about this type of thing, it always makes me wonder what their parents are teaching them.   I've always told my daughter to be nice and kind to others.  Share toys. Its never right to pick on someone else.  All the things I was  taught growing up.     My daughter and I laid in her bed talking for almost an hour.   Talking about TV shows and cartoons that we both liked.  I was telling her about shows that i watched when I was a kid that are still on now.  She was so excited to learn about the things I liked as a child.   When I mentioned something that she liked too she would get excited and say "me too!!!" . Oh and my favorite thing she said to me was " This is so fascinating! You are just like me mom and I'll like you!"    I know I've been just rambling on and on but on last point I want to make.   I am glad I found that diary entry because we had such an amazing talk afterwards and made me realize we don't have enough of those talks.  I want her to feel like she can tell me more and not always have to write in her diary. My daughter is the most amazing beautiful little girl I know and I'm so grateful to have her in my life!!!

Fallin Apart...

Lately I feel like I'm starting to fall apart. My health is starting to worry me yet I havent' went to the Dr ...I will soon.   It started a few weeks ago with feeling very tired and overwhelmed...which just seemed normal to me.  I'm always busy doing something around the house and I am known to be a night owl.   I've been super stressed out thou for the past month  or two.  We have been having issues with both vehicles.  The car needs a new motor and the new jeep even had some minor problems.   Also I've been worried about our roof.  All summer long we were supposed to have contractors come fix the roof but they keep putting us off and changing the date.  The colder it gets and closer to winter , the more I worry.  I don't want snow to fly and not have our roof fixed.  Its bad enough that every time it rains , the damn roof leaks.  I just want it fixed soon.

So back to my health...the past few days I've noticed my breathing is   funny, like feels like i lose my breath easy or it catches . When that happens, my chest feels tight too for a few minutes and i feel really wore out . As if I was out jogging.   So I had lunch with my mom yesterday and was telling her how I have been feeling.   She tells me it sounds Like I could have the same problem she had.   Mom's heart was skipping a beat and she had to take this  vitamin  to correct  it ( CO Q10) .  My mom checked my pulse rate and told me my heart was skipping a beat as well.   So of course she went out and bought me some co Q10 (72 day supply) and tells me to take this , see how I feel.  I said " ok doc mom I will see and maybe still make a dr appt."     I've inherited every other aliment she's ever had so why not this too. go figure. Oh and mom says I should have a mamogram done , its never too early she says. I'm not sure I want one. I'm scared of what I might find out.  My luck is bad enough!

Oh  and one final complaint.  I got a rash on both of my legs just above my knees and its driving me crazy.  Itches so unbelievably bad and burns . I've tried lotion, vaseline and Cortizone cream. It always comes back and starts bothering me so freaking bad.  OMG i tried to shower, It burned like crazy!!!  So yet another thing i'll tell the dr about.  Ahhhh well i'm off to bed...exhausted , itching and annoyed now.

Traveling down a road that  I'm much to familiar with because sometimes staying on the beaten path is easier that finding a new one. 
Its a habit I should learn to break... 
A portrait that only existed in my mind; never to be seen by another admiring eye...
A mountain that was never worth the climb; I'm a afraid of heights anyway...
A prison cell I've always known; feels like home...
Its a garden that's overflowing with weeds; shown a little love it might have grown...
Its the moment you realize you have nothing left to give; hopelessness has moved in...
"Its the elephant in the room and we pretend we don't see it" (Kris Allen, the truth)...
Its the tunnel with no light at the end; shattered by the passing train...
Its the last tear drop rolling down your cheek ; as pain turns to numbness...
Its a fear of flying when only two shoots remain; damn shame there was 5 passengers on the plane...
Its standing in the middle of a lighting storm; begging, strike me down please..

So it's been forever since I've wrote anything ...atleast anything noteworthy.  Perhaps I've lost my creative edge or misplaced it along the way.   If you find it, by all means ship back to me , US Air Mail ....if you please.

Just seems I've lost all motivation these days and I'm so lacking in the idea department.   My heart is happy, my body is just drained and my mind has been paralyzed temporarily.

Some people can cry at the drop of a hat, I used to be able to write like that.  Now I just don't know where my mojo is at.   In all my life I've never broken a bone until now  but I do believe I've gone and broken my creative bone.   Sure hope it mends soon , I do miss it so .

Betrayal

As the lies spewed from your mouth faster than thoughts could fill your head ...at most but surely not least, I'm sure you did your mama proud.

Afterall I'm just another face in the crowd,  doesn't matter how much  you've hurt me now. 

Don't expect me to look at you with loving eyes the way I once did..back when I still believed in you and adored you. 

I  should've realized her blood was always in you and it was just a matter time before your own fangs began to grow.  

A voice inside my head always told me to trust in you...that little voice is dead now along with all the aspirations I had for you.  

You didn't bring me down thou.. just merely grazed the surface..and made me see you for what you truly are.

orginally wrote 4/19/10

Starting to believe I'm just not meant to be....

Learning to accept that I just don't deserve to be...

Quite certain it doesn't even really matter if I am ...

Positively no reason to be...

Whats the point in even trying to be...

There's nothing more wasteful than thriving to be...

There must be a logical explaination as to why I can never be...

Daily I look around me and see tons of people that are ...
So why can't I be...

- - - - - comes before so many holidays and special occasions.
It's such a sad reality , that I'll never be.....


The missing word remains the same in all these lines.

It echos thur my mind over and over each day that passes by.

Its no special game, just what life has become for me.

So without wasting anymore time , or spinning anymore rythmes, I'll tell you the word...in case you haven't already guessed it.........HAPPY.

One last part to this sad little game...go back and re-read each line adding the missing word....and maybe then you'll understand my pain.

Just once I'd like to have my own damn time! Doing completely what I want all damn day! Even if that meant being lazy all damn day and watching tv! Perhaps out to shop and for a nice long walk! NO one to bother me , no one to ask me for help, no cooking cleaning.. just me myself and I all damn day!!!!!