another restless worry filled night.

Its really hard to sleep when I have half a million things on my mind.  At the top of the list I have my dad and his health.  He is not doing so well and I believe its worse than I'm being told. My mother is taking family medical leave from work so she can go to Dr appointments with my dad and take care of him.  This makes me worry very much since the last time she took family medical leave was when my great uncle was dying of cancer and she was his caretaker.   So I know dad's health is worse than I'm being told.  Everyday I wonder how much longer I'll have my dad.  I wonder if I call him enough and does he know I love him. I tell him but is that enough?  Everytime I see a commerical about health issues I'm forced to think about my dad.  Every sad song , especially sad country songs make me think of my dad and losing him.  I can't watch sad movies.  I try really hard not to worry but It just keeps building.   I feel like I'm a bridge under construction that has a massive weight on it , just waiting to bring it down. I know I'm going to fall hard when the day comes ...the day i lose my dad...i will lose so much more than a father..

Ba-Hum-Bug

For a brief passing moment, I let myself feel the pain...
For a swift fleeting moment , I began to feel real..
Thou only a few tears fell as the lump in my throat grew bigger...
Acknowledging my own pain wasn't as gratifying as had thought it would be..
If only I could steal someone else's emotions..make believe they were my own..
Most don't understand when i try to explain the dull aching pain that lives within me yet its not a sickness...
More and more each day I feel I'm slipping away from this so called reality..
Hopelessly I trudge on ..one more day ..just one more.
Amist the clouds I search for the answers to the nightmares that haunt me..
I'm convinced there are no reasonable explainations ...
Now I just wait to be taken to a higher level of justification where I'll never have to feel like I don't belong..

Disconnected..

Hello world...lately I feel like I am so disconnected from you. Feels like I am watching a movie that I am not in.  I see people laughing, yet I can't hear their laughter. I see people talking with friends yet I don't hear their words. I see people living their lives yet I am not. I see people touching , hugging , holding hands but I don't know how that feels because I do not feel like I am real.   Feels like I'm in a dream where everything seems so real but at the same time nothing real. Strange , I know ..so hard to explain.   Feels like I'm living in world I do not belong..yet I truly long to belong.    Each day I wake up hoping that I'll feel more alive than I felt yesterday .  I wake  up  wondering if I'll realize what its like to experience life and all that it has to offer.   More times than I can count  I've felt so detached, unreachable and separated from all that is reality.  I truly hope this is all part of a phase I'm going to and won't last.   Its become a normal feeling , expected feeling that I can not shake.    I try to find ways to feel human but always feels so fake or un-natural..a forced happiness.   As I read Thur my friends facebook updates ; Girls night out, morning jog, taking myself to the movies, curled up with a good book, soaking up the sun poolside, taking a nice ride, enjoying a cool evening walk, retail therapy is the best,  and the list goes on...I wish I had time to do these things.  But I"m a wife and mom , I"m not supposed to want my own time or so I've been told .
In this house my opinions do not matter , my ideas are empty and dreams meaningless...as this post probably will be.  Life will continue to go on while I watch ..

Back on the horse...

After a few days off from exercising , its time to get back on the horse ..so to speak.   I went to bed early last and woke up early today well rested.  Shocking that I was actually in bed before 11 pm!

My day started at 7am and already I had a to-do-list waiting for me.  First I had to have some coffee before paying the dreaded bills.   After the tedious task of fixing the checkbook and paying bills,  I had just a bit of time before work to shower and relax.

Work was a pain the ass today and having a headache did not make it any better but I got thur the day.
After work my daughter and I hurried to get dressed and go meet up with hubby where his friend drops him off after carpooling.  She likes to go meet daddy right after he works ...its special to her.

I decided to make tacos for dinner with all the fixings ...lettuce, tomato, cheese , salsa and my fave..sour cream.  Of course I only had one since I'm trying to avoid extra calories.

Finally after dinner was done and cleaned up it was time to workout.  I changed my clothes since its boiling hot upstairs and headed upstairs with my Ipod and my book for afterwards.   Omg it was really hot upstairs since the central air doesnt' flow so nice up there.  But as the saying goes.. 'No pain , No gain'  so I accepted the fact that I was going to be sweaty....eww.   While listening to my music , I watched hubby play his game on ps3....can't wait til the day I can watch a movie while I workout.   Progress for the day: 50 minutes , 1 mile  and 433 calories burned !!

Oh the Pain...

No exercising for me today . I'm in way too much pain.  My knees hurt , shoulder back and every time I stand up I feel like my back cracks.  so I took the day off.  Hubby was nice enough to take me out to dinner and grill the chicken that I had set out for dinner.  very very nice of him :)

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a less painful one.

Day two on the Elliptical.

When I woke up this morning I was barely stiff from exercising yesterday...must have gotten lucky.   I took my shower , woke my daughter up and we headed out to face to day. First stop was Dairy queen to pick up her ice cream cake that I promised her...sigh...not going to be a good calorie day for me.  We took the cake back home to sit in the freezer while we went shopping.   Of course neither one of us had breakfast...another bad thing...so we went to lunch at Arby's. OMG!  The food tasted so good!   More bad calories for me thou but I decided not to eat all my bread on my sandwich.   Next stop was the mall to walk around and hopefully burn off some of those bad calories.   We had a nice time shopping at the mall.  The heat was unbearable and I knew I would not want to cook dinner for the rest of the family when I got home. We decided .. more like I decided ... to order them pizza.    I only ate 1 small piece ...ok maybe 2.   Tomorrow I can not and will not allow myself to eat such fatty foods.

Finally after dinner, I grabbed my Ipod and headed upstairs to use the Elliptical.  My knees started to ache almost immediately and I wanted to stop but I kept moving even if it was at a slow pace.   My progress is as follows :  35 mins , 3/4 of a mile,  and 358 calories burned.....and really really sore legs.    I stepped off the elliptical thinking to myself " wow I don't feel so bad"  until I took my first step and it felt like i had cement blocks attached to my feet.

My goal for tomorrow is to be able to get out of bed. I have a feeling my legs won't want to move.