~The River~

by Ruby Wolfe

The river has become my favorite place to go to unwind and let my thoughts flow.

It knows all my secrets but would never judge me too harshly

The stillness of the water is just the calming I need at the end of a long day

The River is like my soul; can be calm, peaceful and so serene; Yet can quickly change to raging, overflowing and completely out of control after a storm. Leaving behind a scattered mess of debris. May god have mercy on whoever comes in contact with this river that has become me.

I won't ever claim to be perfect, perhaps lost at sea would be more fitting .

It's so hard to climb a mountain with these boulders coming down. It's hard to swim the ocean with these sharks lurking around. It's hard to fly the skies with broken wings. Through out these years my feet have been planted firmly on the ground..standing still not making a sound. But I've found my voice now and its time to conquer my fears. I'm about to climb the mountain, fly these skies and swim across the ocean, just to see the other side. I'll never give up as long as I'm breathing, I'll keep these dreams in my heart with hope in my eyes. I may not succeed at first but I'll surely fail if i never try..

Life is about choices..fear and pain go hand in hand.....

I will overcome my fears when I am no longer fearful of myself..this constant battle of living life grows quite tiresome; pleasing the masses and never one's self becomes harder each day. my one desire is to truly know what complete happiness is before my dying day ~Ruby Wolfe~

My pleasure , My pain..are but one in the same!! Don't pretend to understand, don't assume you know the reason behind my tears. Just know I didn't become this in a day..scars made me this way...Life happens that way. ~Ruby Wolfe~

The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.
Lord Byron

For pleasures past I do no grieve, nor perils gathering near; My greatest grief is that I leave nothing that claims a tear. -Lord Byron
Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.
Lord Byron

 Sometimes it feels as if everything in life is just something we haul into the grave.
Doug Coupland

I always figure from the cradle to the grave, we all have our individual journeys, and maybe my journey was a positive one and I accomplished certain things without stepping on too many toes.
Robert Duvall

We are all selfish and I no more trust myself than others with a good motive.
Lord Byron

 I miss my dad everyday , I often wonder what he'd say if he could see me now and truly wish heaven was a place only to visit : where loved ones would not have to stay. Until i see your face, I'll count down the days until I'm in your loving embrace once again...for now I'll still be Daddy's little girl..wishing you could wipe my tears away. ~Ruby Wolfe~

My Own Angel!

          This year went by all too fast but in a way I'm glad to see it come to an end.  This year my dad became very sick and needed to be at the doctor or hospital quite often.  He has always been a fighter and was never one to give up but as he had put it  He was " out of gas and tired" .  He never stopped doing for others or doing work around the house, no matter how tired or sick he felt he just kept moving.   I admire that man for everything and I hope to be like him someday.   June 6, 2012 the greatest man I ever knew lost the battle and went home to heaven.  My dad was a truly a great man that no one will ever forget.   He worked hard, helped others as much as he could and loved his friends & family with all his heart!     Our world will never be the same without him but we know he's our own angel watching over us.   In 2013, I hope to become more like he was and do all I can to remember and honor him. 

I love you dad "charles 'bus' Matthews" ! 

I've been walking around with a cloud above my head since you went away.
Everyone tells me time will heal all wounds and that you watch  over me everyday.
I've been wondering when I'll sense your  presence and feel at peace knowing you walk with me.
I can't see past the pain to begin living again.
I can't stop missing you and wishing you were still here with me.
Feels like forever since I hugged you.
Feels like forever until we meet again.
A million tears I've cried for you, billions more will fall.
I miss you dad everyday and will love you forever.


I wish I could visit heaven ..to see your face, hold your hand , laugh with you and hear you tell me you love me , that your proud of me ..over and over. miss u dad.

Remembering My Daddy the greatest racer #5 !

I was supposed to go to the race track today where my dad used to race but it was canceled because of the rain.

For my dad and his memory, I will make it a point to attend more races next season.

I know I'll find myself searching for your car daddy # 5.

I can't promise to watch the race without tears in my eyes.

I can't promise my heart won't break each time the chargers go round the track..cause daddy that was your class.

I will remember you for the great man you were and how you always did whatever you could to help others.

Your love, smile, and kindness will live forever in my heart.

I love you daddy!
3/23/51-6/7/12

Dreams

~~~~~~~~~~Dreams~~~~~~~~~~
For every dreamer there is a dream that hangs in the balance of destiny waiting to come true.
For every Dream there is a soul waiting to see it through.
For every soul there is a dream dying to become a reality.
In reality, there millions of dreamers who will pursue the dream But in truth only hundreds will make them come true.
... Which will you be ...of the thousdands or of the hundreds?
Dare to dream, let your dreams grow wings and fly high into the sky.
You'll never know until you try. ~~~Ruby Wolfe~~~

another restless worry filled night.

Its really hard to sleep when I have half a million things on my mind.  At the top of the list I have my dad and his health.  He is not doing so well and I believe its worse than I'm being told. My mother is taking family medical leave from work so she can go to Dr appointments with my dad and take care of him.  This makes me worry very much since the last time she took family medical leave was when my great uncle was dying of cancer and she was his caretaker.   So I know dad's health is worse than I'm being told.  Everyday I wonder how much longer I'll have my dad.  I wonder if I call him enough and does he know I love him. I tell him but is that enough?  Everytime I see a commerical about health issues I'm forced to think about my dad.  Every sad song , especially sad country songs make me think of my dad and losing him.  I can't watch sad movies.  I try really hard not to worry but It just keeps building.   I feel like I'm a bridge under construction that has a massive weight on it , just waiting to bring it down. I know I'm going to fall hard when the day comes ...the day i lose my dad...i will lose so much more than a father..

Ba-Hum-Bug

For a brief passing moment, I let myself feel the pain...
For a swift fleeting moment , I began to feel real..
Thou only a few tears fell as the lump in my throat grew bigger...
Acknowledging my own pain wasn't as gratifying as had thought it would be..
If only I could steal someone else's emotions..make believe they were my own..
Most don't understand when i try to explain the dull aching pain that lives within me yet its not a sickness...
More and more each day I feel I'm slipping away from this so called reality..
Hopelessly I trudge on ..one more day ..just one more.
Amist the clouds I search for the answers to the nightmares that haunt me..
I'm convinced there are no reasonable explainations ...
Now I just wait to be taken to a higher level of justification where I'll never have to feel like I don't belong..

Disconnected..

Hello world...lately I feel like I am so disconnected from you. Feels like I am watching a movie that I am not in.  I see people laughing, yet I can't hear their laughter. I see people talking with friends yet I don't hear their words. I see people living their lives yet I am not. I see people touching , hugging , holding hands but I don't know how that feels because I do not feel like I am real.   Feels like I'm in a dream where everything seems so real but at the same time nothing real. Strange , I know ..so hard to explain.   Feels like I'm living in world I do not belong..yet I truly long to belong.    Each day I wake up hoping that I'll feel more alive than I felt yesterday .  I wake  up  wondering if I'll realize what its like to experience life and all that it has to offer.   More times than I can count  I've felt so detached, unreachable and separated from all that is reality.  I truly hope this is all part of a phase I'm going to and won't last.   Its become a normal feeling , expected feeling that I can not shake.    I try to find ways to feel human but always feels so fake or un-natural..a forced happiness.   As I read Thur my friends facebook updates ; Girls night out, morning jog, taking myself to the movies, curled up with a good book, soaking up the sun poolside, taking a nice ride, enjoying a cool evening walk, retail therapy is the best,  and the list goes on...I wish I had time to do these things.  But I"m a wife and mom , I"m not supposed to want my own time or so I've been told .
In this house my opinions do not matter , my ideas are empty and dreams meaningless...as this post probably will be.  Life will continue to go on while I watch ..

Back on the horse...

After a few days off from exercising , its time to get back on the horse ..so to speak.   I went to bed early last and woke up early today well rested.  Shocking that I was actually in bed before 11 pm!

My day started at 7am and already I had a to-do-list waiting for me.  First I had to have some coffee before paying the dreaded bills.   After the tedious task of fixing the checkbook and paying bills,  I had just a bit of time before work to shower and relax.

Work was a pain the ass today and having a headache did not make it any better but I got thur the day.
After work my daughter and I hurried to get dressed and go meet up with hubby where his friend drops him off after carpooling.  She likes to go meet daddy right after he works ...its special to her.

I decided to make tacos for dinner with all the fixings ...lettuce, tomato, cheese , salsa and my fave..sour cream.  Of course I only had one since I'm trying to avoid extra calories.

Finally after dinner was done and cleaned up it was time to workout.  I changed my clothes since its boiling hot upstairs and headed upstairs with my Ipod and my book for afterwards.   Omg it was really hot upstairs since the central air doesnt' flow so nice up there.  But as the saying goes.. 'No pain , No gain'  so I accepted the fact that I was going to be sweaty....eww.   While listening to my music , I watched hubby play his game on ps3....can't wait til the day I can watch a movie while I workout.   Progress for the day: 50 minutes , 1 mile  and 433 calories burned !!

Oh the Pain...

No exercising for me today . I'm in way too much pain.  My knees hurt , shoulder back and every time I stand up I feel like my back cracks.  so I took the day off.  Hubby was nice enough to take me out to dinner and grill the chicken that I had set out for dinner.  very very nice of him :)

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a less painful one.

Day two on the Elliptical.

When I woke up this morning I was barely stiff from exercising yesterday...must have gotten lucky.   I took my shower , woke my daughter up and we headed out to face to day. First stop was Dairy queen to pick up her ice cream cake that I promised her...sigh...not going to be a good calorie day for me.  We took the cake back home to sit in the freezer while we went shopping.   Of course neither one of us had breakfast...another bad thing...so we went to lunch at Arby's. OMG!  The food tasted so good!   More bad calories for me thou but I decided not to eat all my bread on my sandwich.   Next stop was the mall to walk around and hopefully burn off some of those bad calories.   We had a nice time shopping at the mall.  The heat was unbearable and I knew I would not want to cook dinner for the rest of the family when I got home. We decided .. more like I decided ... to order them pizza.    I only ate 1 small piece ...ok maybe 2.   Tomorrow I can not and will not allow myself to eat such fatty foods.

Finally after dinner, I grabbed my Ipod and headed upstairs to use the Elliptical.  My knees started to ache almost immediately and I wanted to stop but I kept moving even if it was at a slow pace.   My progress is as follows :  35 mins , 3/4 of a mile,  and 358 calories burned.....and really really sore legs.    I stepped off the elliptical thinking to myself " wow I don't feel so bad"  until I took my first step and it felt like i had cement blocks attached to my feet.

My goal for tomorrow is to be able to get out of bed. I have a feeling my legs won't want to move.

Day one on the Elliptical

Today I woke up to a broken dish on the kitchen floor and a bird in my house. I thought for sure this was an omen of things to come...but I went to work with a smile on my face.   all day long I kept telling myself over and over ' you are going to use the elliptical today even if it hurts' so I did just that!  After work I had a few errands to run first but  before dinner was finished I was on my  NEW  exercise machine.   I only did 15 mintues  but I burned 150 calories and to me this is progress.  I know I will have to work at it everyday and eventually I'll be able to put in more time.   I am determined to lose weight and get healthier one step at a time , one day at a time .  

Tomorrow I am buying a scale so I can track my progress.  I will not be a slave to the scale thou, 1 weekly weigh in only.   I will not let myself get discouraged if I do not lose as much as the week before.  I will not skip meals or starve myself ....as much as I know I'll want to,,I know it won't do any good.

I am hoping to start sleeping more regularly too .  wish me luck with my new adventure!

new goals

1./ Use my Eliptical Daily
2./ eat right
3./ lose weight
4./ Stay motivated
5./ make myself happy...at all costs
6./ have more faith in myself / self-esteem
7./ be more patient with my daughter / spend more time with my daughter
8./be hopeful / insightful
9./ learn to laugh loud and often
10./ learn to love myself
11./ Value family time ..life is too short.

Writers block and extremely bored!!!!!

Memorial day

Its the end of a carefree day , a day for relaxing , a day for remembering fallen heroes and those that are still fighting  for our freedom.  Its Memorial Day..

Woke up early today with a smile on my face, anticipating the day ahead of me.  Woke sleeping beauty from her dreams and out of her comfy little bed.  We showered up , got dressed and went out to face the world.  The family picnic wasn't for another 3 hours so Subway was our lunch of choice.  Her eyes were bigger than her belly thou when she said " mommy I want a footlong sub!". I tried to reason with her , telling her how'd we would soon eat at the picnic but there was just no talking my sweetheart out of her footlong.   Of course just as I had suspected... it was way too much food.   After our subway pre-party snacking , we still had some time to kill so we shopped around walmart for a bit and each got a new shirt. Wow how the time flies when you are having fun trying clothes on , only 15 minutes remained before the picnic.  Now off to one final stop to pick up something that would resemble picnic food or our so called cover dish.  Pepperoni Rolls!!!  I figured they'd do in a pinch.  While I was at the store I picked up some BBQ sauce for the house ; a great deal too!  I only paid 1.38 for two .18 oz bottles of sweet baby rays BBQ sauce.  Sale price was 1.19 each but I had a coupon for $1 off two...getting one for .19 cents was just awesome!!  Later I would stop to get my free hot dogs too back at walmart . Sale price 1.00 for 16 oz pack of Bar-S hot dogs and I had a coupon for $1 off 2 making one pack free for me . Awesome again but I'm getting off track ..couponing and great deals excite me.!!

Alright its finally party time !!! My daughter and I were ready for some good food, music , great conversations with family and to kick back to relax.   Looking around I soon realized I had forgot something ..uh I was supposed to bring chairs for us.  This was the first downfall.No biggie we'll just have to stand to eat or steal someone Else's chair.  Ha Ha my sweetheart was pretty good at that too. Every time someone got up close to her she would steal their seat for a short bit.   NO MUSIC? What ..are you kidding me ?  Whats a party without music? Boring ...that's what it was!   so that was the second downfall . The gnats were bad but the heat was worse.  Third downfall.. 

Points worth mentioning :  I did get to meet my brothers new girlfriend , she seems really nice .  I talked with some other family that I hadn't seen in awhile .  I didn't over eat and that's great since I am trying to lose weight. :)

Last but not least ..my daughter and I took a walk to see the cross . Its a  very long walk but worth it.   This cross is  a top a mountain , stands 68 feet tall > is just breathe taking !

It was a great day !!

Had  Easter dinner at granny's house was great.  It was really good to see family and of course the food was awesome~ I got to talk with my cousin Lenny , who normally I only get to talk with on facebook... nice to talk in person from time to time.     Home to spend the evening , whats left of it, with my hubby and the kids.


Happy  Easter to anyone and everyone who may stumble upon my little blog

whats on my mind...

Easter: did I buy enough candy? will my daughter be happy with what she gets?  I really wanted to buy a ham but couldn't afford one ...the vehicles needed gas..so they won again.

Work tomorrow:  OMG  I dont' want to work , as badly as I need the hours I'm hoping to get done early .  I'm awake late and I know I will not want to talk on the phone with customers..." thank you for calling ********* I'm very tired today so lets make this quick lady"


Cyber school: Enrolling my daughter in cyber school.  I've been reading everything I can about it and listening to Opions of others > I feel my daughter will do much better with her school work if we try the cyber school.  I've gotten alot of mixed comments thou...but my mom says I should do what I feel is right for my daughter and not worry about what others may say.

Gas/broke me:   gas prices wont' stop going up and my checkbook wont' stop going down.  Tired of both , I want gas in my car to run my ass off and I want money in my account to make my ass happy :)

I'm sure  there are alot of other things on my mind.. but that was the short list..  and maybe I should sleep some tonight .