Ba-Hum-Bug

For a brief passing moment, I let myself feel the pain...
For a swift fleeting moment , I began to feel real..
Thou only a few tears fell as the lump in my throat grew bigger...
Acknowledging my own pain wasn't as gratifying as had thought it would be..
If only I could steal someone else's emotions..make believe they were my own..
Most don't understand when i try to explain the dull aching pain that lives within me yet its not a sickness...
More and more each day I feel I'm slipping away from this so called reality..
Hopelessly I trudge on ..one more day ..just one more.
Amist the clouds I search for the answers to the nightmares that haunt me..
I'm convinced there are no reasonable explainations ...
Now I just wait to be taken to a higher level of justification where I'll never have to feel like I don't belong..

Disconnected..

Hello world...lately I feel like I am so disconnected from you. Feels like I am watching a movie that I am not in.  I see people laughing, yet I can't hear their laughter. I see people talking with friends yet I don't hear their words. I see people living their lives yet I am not. I see people touching , hugging , holding hands but I don't know how that feels because I do not feel like I am real.   Feels like I'm in a dream where everything seems so real but at the same time nothing real. Strange , I know ..so hard to explain.   Feels like I'm living in world I do not belong..yet I truly long to belong.    Each day I wake up hoping that I'll feel more alive than I felt yesterday .  I wake  up  wondering if I'll realize what its like to experience life and all that it has to offer.   More times than I can count  I've felt so detached, unreachable and separated from all that is reality.  I truly hope this is all part of a phase I'm going to and won't last.   Its become a normal feeling , expected feeling that I can not shake.    I try to find ways to feel human but always feels so fake or un-natural..a forced happiness.   As I read Thur my friends facebook updates ; Girls night out, morning jog, taking myself to the movies, curled up with a good book, soaking up the sun poolside, taking a nice ride, enjoying a cool evening walk, retail therapy is the best,  and the list goes on...I wish I had time to do these things.  But I"m a wife and mom , I"m not supposed to want my own time or so I've been told .
In this house my opinions do not matter , my ideas are empty and dreams meaningless...as this post probably will be.  Life will continue to go on while I watch ..

Back on the horse...

After a few days off from exercising , its time to get back on the horse ..so to speak.   I went to bed early last and woke up early today well rested.  Shocking that I was actually in bed before 11 pm!

My day started at 7am and already I had a to-do-list waiting for me.  First I had to have some coffee before paying the dreaded bills.   After the tedious task of fixing the checkbook and paying bills,  I had just a bit of time before work to shower and relax.

Work was a pain the ass today and having a headache did not make it any better but I got thur the day.
After work my daughter and I hurried to get dressed and go meet up with hubby where his friend drops him off after carpooling.  She likes to go meet daddy right after he works ...its special to her.

I decided to make tacos for dinner with all the fixings ...lettuce, tomato, cheese , salsa and my fave..sour cream.  Of course I only had one since I'm trying to avoid extra calories.

Finally after dinner was done and cleaned up it was time to workout.  I changed my clothes since its boiling hot upstairs and headed upstairs with my Ipod and my book for afterwards.   Omg it was really hot upstairs since the central air doesnt' flow so nice up there.  But as the saying goes.. 'No pain , No gain'  so I accepted the fact that I was going to be sweaty....eww.   While listening to my music , I watched hubby play his game on ps3....can't wait til the day I can watch a movie while I workout.   Progress for the day: 50 minutes , 1 mile  and 433 calories burned !!

Oh the Pain...

No exercising for me today . I'm in way too much pain.  My knees hurt , shoulder back and every time I stand up I feel like my back cracks.  so I took the day off.  Hubby was nice enough to take me out to dinner and grill the chicken that I had set out for dinner.  very very nice of him :)

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a less painful one.

Day two on the Elliptical.

When I woke up this morning I was barely stiff from exercising yesterday...must have gotten lucky.   I took my shower , woke my daughter up and we headed out to face to day. First stop was Dairy queen to pick up her ice cream cake that I promised her...sigh...not going to be a good calorie day for me.  We took the cake back home to sit in the freezer while we went shopping.   Of course neither one of us had breakfast...another bad thing...so we went to lunch at Arby's. OMG!  The food tasted so good!   More bad calories for me thou but I decided not to eat all my bread on my sandwich.   Next stop was the mall to walk around and hopefully burn off some of those bad calories.   We had a nice time shopping at the mall.  The heat was unbearable and I knew I would not want to cook dinner for the rest of the family when I got home. We decided .. more like I decided ... to order them pizza.    I only ate 1 small piece ...ok maybe 2.   Tomorrow I can not and will not allow myself to eat such fatty foods.

Finally after dinner, I grabbed my Ipod and headed upstairs to use the Elliptical.  My knees started to ache almost immediately and I wanted to stop but I kept moving even if it was at a slow pace.   My progress is as follows :  35 mins , 3/4 of a mile,  and 358 calories burned.....and really really sore legs.    I stepped off the elliptical thinking to myself " wow I don't feel so bad"  until I took my first step and it felt like i had cement blocks attached to my feet.

My goal for tomorrow is to be able to get out of bed. I have a feeling my legs won't want to move.

Day one on the Elliptical

Today I woke up to a broken dish on the kitchen floor and a bird in my house. I thought for sure this was an omen of things to come...but I went to work with a smile on my face.   all day long I kept telling myself over and over ' you are going to use the elliptical today even if it hurts' so I did just that!  After work I had a few errands to run first but  before dinner was finished I was on my  NEW  exercise machine.   I only did 15 mintues  but I burned 150 calories and to me this is progress.  I know I will have to work at it everyday and eventually I'll be able to put in more time.   I am determined to lose weight and get healthier one step at a time , one day at a time .  

Tomorrow I am buying a scale so I can track my progress.  I will not be a slave to the scale thou, 1 weekly weigh in only.   I will not let myself get discouraged if I do not lose as much as the week before.  I will not skip meals or starve myself ....as much as I know I'll want to,,I know it won't do any good.

I am hoping to start sleeping more regularly too .  wish me luck with my new adventure!

new goals

1./ Use my Eliptical Daily
2./ eat right
3./ lose weight
4./ Stay motivated
5./ make myself happy...at all costs
6./ have more faith in myself / self-esteem
7./ be more patient with my daughter / spend more time with my daughter
8./be hopeful / insightful
9./ learn to laugh loud and often
10./ learn to love myself
11./ Value family time ..life is too short.

Writers block and extremely bored!!!!!

Memorial day

Its the end of a carefree day , a day for relaxing , a day for remembering fallen heroes and those that are still fighting  for our freedom.  Its Memorial Day..

Woke up early today with a smile on my face, anticipating the day ahead of me.  Woke sleeping beauty from her dreams and out of her comfy little bed.  We showered up , got dressed and went out to face the world.  The family picnic wasn't for another 3 hours so Subway was our lunch of choice.  Her eyes were bigger than her belly thou when she said " mommy I want a footlong sub!". I tried to reason with her , telling her how'd we would soon eat at the picnic but there was just no talking my sweetheart out of her footlong.   Of course just as I had suspected... it was way too much food.   After our subway pre-party snacking , we still had some time to kill so we shopped around walmart for a bit and each got a new shirt. Wow how the time flies when you are having fun trying clothes on , only 15 minutes remained before the picnic.  Now off to one final stop to pick up something that would resemble picnic food or our so called cover dish.  Pepperoni Rolls!!!  I figured they'd do in a pinch.  While I was at the store I picked up some BBQ sauce for the house ; a great deal too!  I only paid 1.38 for two .18 oz bottles of sweet baby rays BBQ sauce.  Sale price was 1.19 each but I had a coupon for $1 off two...getting one for .19 cents was just awesome!!  Later I would stop to get my free hot dogs too back at walmart . Sale price 1.00 for 16 oz pack of Bar-S hot dogs and I had a coupon for $1 off 2 making one pack free for me . Awesome again but I'm getting off track ..couponing and great deals excite me.!!

Alright its finally party time !!! My daughter and I were ready for some good food, music , great conversations with family and to kick back to relax.   Looking around I soon realized I had forgot something ..uh I was supposed to bring chairs for us.  This was the first downfall.No biggie we'll just have to stand to eat or steal someone Else's chair.  Ha Ha my sweetheart was pretty good at that too. Every time someone got up close to her she would steal their seat for a short bit.   NO MUSIC? What ..are you kidding me ?  Whats a party without music? Boring ...that's what it was!   so that was the second downfall . The gnats were bad but the heat was worse.  Third downfall.. 

Points worth mentioning :  I did get to meet my brothers new girlfriend , she seems really nice .  I talked with some other family that I hadn't seen in awhile .  I didn't over eat and that's great since I am trying to lose weight. :)

Last but not least ..my daughter and I took a walk to see the cross . Its a  very long walk but worth it.   This cross is  a top a mountain , stands 68 feet tall > is just breathe taking !

It was a great day !!

Had  Easter dinner at granny's house was great.  It was really good to see family and of course the food was awesome~ I got to talk with my cousin Lenny , who normally I only get to talk with on facebook... nice to talk in person from time to time.     Home to spend the evening , whats left of it, with my hubby and the kids.


Happy  Easter to anyone and everyone who may stumble upon my little blog

whats on my mind...

Easter: did I buy enough candy? will my daughter be happy with what she gets?  I really wanted to buy a ham but couldn't afford one ...the vehicles needed gas..so they won again.

Work tomorrow:  OMG  I dont' want to work , as badly as I need the hours I'm hoping to get done early .  I'm awake late and I know I will not want to talk on the phone with customers..." thank you for calling ********* I'm very tired today so lets make this quick lady"


Cyber school: Enrolling my daughter in cyber school.  I've been reading everything I can about it and listening to Opions of others > I feel my daughter will do much better with her school work if we try the cyber school.  I've gotten alot of mixed comments thou...but my mom says I should do what I feel is right for my daughter and not worry about what others may say.

Gas/broke me:   gas prices wont' stop going up and my checkbook wont' stop going down.  Tired of both , I want gas in my car to run my ass off and I want money in my account to make my ass happy :)

I'm sure  there are alot of other things on my mind.. but that was the short list..  and maybe I should sleep some tonight .

Lunch date with an awesome man!!

Today was an awesome day!!  My hubby and I had a lunch date planned originally for Red Lobster But after I found out they were not having the All you can eat shrimp deal, I decided I didn't really want to eat there.  So my great awesome hubby says " We can just pay for our drinks and go somewhere else if you like."   Wow Right?   So after thinking about it a few minutes I decided I did want to go elsewhere..in fact I wanted to go Olive Garden.  See I had this $10 gift card that could be used at either place so those were my picks.  Anyway back to my great guy and our lunch date.  When we told our waiter that we were just going to pay for our drinks and leave, He told us he wasn't charging us for them. Oh this day was getting better by the minute. We were now on our way to Olive Garden which was only a 45 minute drive.  Omg what a trip thou, on the way we saw several bad drivers and oddities. Of course there were several people driving while on the cell phone but also others that were driving so wreckless. The one lady kept swerving to the center white line and I really thought she was on a cell phone but no she was just trying to be cool and drive with one hand and stiff armed just was not skilled enough. Oh lets not forget about the big mac truck that had an accident at the red light, seems his Load was not properly secured so his Load blew ...opps i meant flew into the back of his cab leaving him with a big sticky mess. Firetrucks and police were on the scene trying to help him clean up and get his juices flowing again ..oh jeez i mean to get his motor running again.   On down the road we passed a lady reading papers while trying to drive...yeah she was freaking spooky.  I just kept saying "What the hell is wrong with drivers today?!!"  All we wanted to do was make it the Olive Garden..sheesh was that too much to ask , but instead were stuck on the road with a bunch of idiots.  Then an ambulance was coming up behind us ..peachy just freaking peachy! We moved over into the other lane so it could go around us but just as it passed us , the damn driver cut us off swerving back into our lane and slamming on his brakes . OMG we just about slammed into him.  Oh but wait there's more.. he then got back into the passing lane , slows down and makes a left hand turn ..then turns his emergency lights off.  OK thats just fucked up ..Right?!! Finally we had an opening and traffic and got away from all the idoits.


We arrived at Olive Garden at about lunch but the place was packed.  Damn 15 mintue wait to be seated.  So we had time to kill and decided to have a drink at the bar.  He had a corona and I had a strawberry Daiquiri with whipped cream on top..Yum! While we waited we talked and just enjoyed each other in the crowded restraunt.  Time seemed to fly by and soon we were seated at our table.  I ordered Shrimp caprese , which is grilled shrimp ,angel hair pasta with cheese and tomatoes in it. Very Very good!  The couple sitting next to us gave us a coupon for $5 off two dinners since they got soup and couldn't use it anyway.  Wow this was great thou now I had my $10 gift card and this $5 off!!! Awesome I love saving money!  I couldn't believe we only ended up paying $21 bux at Olive garden..thats a rare thing.  It was time to go back home thou and to the reality of being parents.

We took the country roads ,listened to music and just talked. It was relaxing.  After I got home thou , my evening was busy as usual. I picked my daughter up at school , drove to the store and to pick up pizza for dinner..took one kid to the denist at 5 ..home in time to take the other to girl scouts and be stuck there for the whole meeting since the roads were gettting bad bc of the snow.  Relax time was over when my damn headache came back that I've had for days now.  I tried napping a bit but didnt' help.   After the kids were in bed hubby and I watched a movie. If I'm lucky the kids won't have school tomorrow and I won't have to wake up early.

Cloud Palace

On a cloud,  high in the sky ,  way way out in the distance ...that's where I want to hide.
So very high above this world that brings me down faster than any bird can soar.

A place where no one can find me ...the clouds will hide me so perfectly.
A place where no one could touch me...just beyond anyone's reach.
A place where no one could hurt me...the clouds shield me so perfectly.
A place where only happiness exist...its nothing like this horrific reality.

In the sky there must be a palace, just waiting to be found . A magical kingdom , hidden just behind those clouds all for me.  

A place so amazing and beautiful ...more peaceful than any place I've ever seen.
A place  so full of laughter and love...and home to over a million doves.
A place where all  hopes and dreams come true...one by one wishes are granted .

Living in the sky , at this awesome cloud palace is definitely the greatest  and where I  wish to be laid to rest.  No wooden box six feet under for me .. no that just won't do.  A haven in the sky ..my palace on a cloud, is where I belong  and desire to be.   Set me free, let me dream but please don't come looking for me...